I suspect that there is nothing like having a child to make one appreciate small victories. I also suspect that having a special needs kid makes those small victories all the more, well, special.
This afternoon at the beach I encountered two small victories.
First, in over two hours at the beach I never had to admonish Finn about putting sand in his mouth. This may not sound all that impressive, but it really meant something to me. I have spent many, many afternoons over the past three years trying to convince the little guy that Southern California sand is neither tasty nor nutritious, but he always had to learn this lesson on his own. Repeatedly. Today, however, he never really tested this theory, and was much happier pouring the sand down the back of my shirt than into his own mouth.
Second, Finn actually respected my wish that he not go into the water. It might sound pretty heartless to take a 4-year old to the beach but prohibit him from going in the ocean, but it is actually really considerate once you realize just how cold the water is here. It’s really freaking frigid. So cold that the surfers, who were all wearing full wetsuits, were shivering as they came out of the ocean (even though the air temperature was probably in the mid seventies). So frigid that sea gulls sometimes emerge from the Pacific with ice cycles clinging to their claws. Accordingly, making Finn avoid the water was a matter of compassion, not cruelty.
Amazingly, despite every urge in his little body, he respected my requests. To be honest, it was not particularly easy for him. He tried to use guile and subtlety to trick me, like slowly sliding towards the water (rather than walking), or walking in elaborate patterns that only meanderingly approached the ocean, but whenever I told him to stop he ceased his little games and found something else to do. I was really amazed, even though this is, admittedly, somewhat minor.
Finn spent the rest of the time at the beach trying to introduce himself to everyone in our general vicinity. Even though I know I have a terribly cute, and terribly social, child, those interactions always scare me. I hate explaining that Finn isn’t always like other children, so I end up intercepting him before I have to make that admission.
It probably makes me seem like an anti-social person, or just a bad dad, but I don’t know how to stop doing it. I don’t know how to let him interact with whomever he chooses and just deal with any explanations that need to be made. I guess I am a bit of a coward.
But I don’t see Finn stopping his methods, so I will need to grow a spine and follow him along for the ride. It’s just another lesson that Finn is determined to teach me.
(On a side note, special thanks to John for re-establishing my access to the blog. For some reason I could not get into the blog yesterday and it seemed to be tied to an email issue. Oddly, the word “bryancantrememberhisemail” is now plastered across the top of my screen. Must be a coincidence…)
I recently encountered two signs that I have been away from this blog for too long.
1. The website no longer shows up as one of the most visited sites on my computer.
2. People on facebook started calling me a slacker.
So, I guess it is time to get back at it.
It’s funny that I took the time off because I was feeling depleted and stressed, but in retrospect I wonder if failing to write this blog added to my stress. One problem I have is that I have almost no capacity for introspection or self reflection - I get nervous whenever I think of myself. But the blog makes me fight through that. In order to write this I must take determine what I am thinking about and how I am feeling. Even though the experience makes me uncomfortable, and even though the process feels unnatural to me, in the end it settles me a bit.
Because right now, for the first time in weeks, I feel that I can breathe.
I cannot really say why I feel so stressed, but at least I can admit it and, in many ways, really thinking about Finn and all that is going on in his world gives me a sense of scale and proportion. Because, let’s face it, he is more important than the other crap in my life.
But that’s enough about that.
I wonder how Finn experiences stress. I used to believe that he didn’t feel stressed. He most certainly expressed plenty of negative emotions, from anger to frustration to fear. Stress, however, is harder for me to see in him. Just the other day, though, Tina mentioned that he doesn’t like one of the preschools he attends and he resists going there. That must be stressful.
The dislike of this particular school is also a bit odd given how social he is, and it makes me wonder what he experiences there. Luckily, the school year is almost over and things will soon change one way or another, so this particular issue will hopefully resolve itself. Regardless, though, I don’t want Finn to dislike school. I felt that way until my senior year of high school, and it left me pretty miserable.
Finn was definitely not miserable yesterday as we attended our fourth ASF walkathon. He had a great time with virtually everyone there and even managed to commandeer some gardening equipment (see above).
He was also pretty assuredly not miserable today as he attended a baseball game between two local youth teams. The coach gave Finn some pointers on hitting softballs and the team even gave Finn a jersey (but he does need to grow into it a bit).
Finally, Finn was definitely not miserable when a peacock (or, more likely, a peahen) invaded our back yard. Those things really do look like dinosaurs when you get close to them.
I guess that is all for this week, with one exception. John, the dude who encouraged me to write this blog, just became a father himself as his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Congrats John!
It’s about to get real.
Thanks to everyone for the well-wishes last week. Luckily, Finn is just about back to normal. His appetite is bigger than ever (tonight he ate enough pasta for two adults, along with seven cheese sticks and even some roasted potatoes), but his energy level still isn’t quite right.
But he is headed in the right direction.
With that being said, this photo makes me think of an old movie. Any ideas?
I haven’t even seen this particular movie, so I may be comparing Finn to a crazy person, but I found the resemblance impossible to ignore.
Finn got really, really sick on Friday night, and he still isn’t really over it. So sick that he vomited all night Friday and through much of the day on Saturday. So sick that he actually took a couple of naps on Saturday afternoon. So sick that he really hasn’t eaten much of anything in 48 hours.
So sick that he started having drop seizures yesterday.
It seems that the seizures have passed (knock on wood), and Finn even had half a stick of cheese for dinner. He played with his cousins for a few hours today and seemed steady on his feet. So he is getting better. But whenever I see his body and mind fail him like that, I get scared.
This weekend has really wiped me out, so I am going to call it an early night. Here’s hoping that the upcoming week is a bit brighter.
Despite our best efforts, and despite spending $13 between us, neither Tina nor I happened to win the $640,000,000 lottery jackpot on Friday. We may not have gained any fortune, but we did gain a bit of insight about ourselves and our priorities. In discussing how we were going to spend the jackpot, we decided to spend the money as follows:
- Multi-million dollar donations to the leading Angelman Syndrome charities (FAST and the ASF);
- A generous donation to Finn’s current private preschool (Finn actually asks to go to that school, which is something that I never, ever did as a child);
- Creating a generously-funded special needs trust for Finn;
- Hiring in-home help for Finn (this one was really as much for my wife as for my son; sometimes Tina gets so tired that she cannot see straight);
- Buying a nice house on the water in Manhattan Beach (this is when we started to get a bit selfish);
- Buying a little convertible (oh wait, I already did that); and
- Getting a subscription to HBO (I am really interested in Game of Thrones, but I am too cheap to pay for premium cable channels).
So we started off with high ideals, but quickly reverted to more mundane goals. At least we started with our hearts in the right place.
There was nothing mundane about the week with Finn. Unfortunately, his biting persists, but I think we may have seen a breakthrough tonight at dinner.
We tried something that, in retrospect, should have been obvious. When Finn bit Tina’s hand at dinner, she told him that he could not have any more cheese. Suffice it to say that this immediately got Finn’s attention. The kid begged and pleaded. He finished his dinner in record time without any prompting (usually we give him cheese if he has a few bites of his actual dinner). He did everything but sing for us once he realized that his mother was serious about withholding cheese.
But we didn’t give in, and he seemed to realize the cause and the effect. Since he rarely bites Tina at the table, this particular strategy may not prove to be universally effective, but I am glad to see something get through to him.
Other highlights of my week with Finn include:
- His new favorite song is “Silly Love Songs” by Paul McCartney. He smiles and looks up whenever the song comes on the radio. I think it has as much to do with the slightly corny, slightly industrial beginning to the song as anything else, but Finn definitely likes it.
- He can play golf like a pro (or, at least, he can hit the crap out of a toy golf ball using a toy golf club);
- He has no tolerance at all for LA traffic. He clearly learned that from his father; and
- While he is excited to have his cousins from Germany in town, he seemed most pleased to see his Aunt Julie. Once Finn decides that he likes you, you have a friend for life.
That’s it for now. Like my wife, I am currently so tired that I cannot see straight. I fear that the upcoming week may be especially difficult, so I might as well get some sleep now. I may need it.
A couple of forces combined today to make this day an especially difficult one. First, the rain came and refused to leave until late in the day. Second, Finn and his mother decided to enter into a day-long test of wills. Unfortunately, that contest had no winner.
If you are wondering why rain is such a big deal, it’s because we are wimps who live in always-sunny Southern California and I, at least, have no idea how to keep Finn entertained if we are stuck indoors. Country music television worked for a little while, as did old episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine. After about an hour of television, though, the kid was really done with passive entertainment. Then his mother joined us, and Finn found a new game to play. I don’t know exactly what he would call the game, but it sure seemed that it was entitled, “Let’s Bite Mommy and See What Kind of Crazy Stuff She Might Do!”
Accordingly, he spent much of the day trying to bite Tina. While he has had spells of biting in the past, this was different. In the past, he tried to bite us (mostly Tina) as a way of expressing displeasure or saying “no”. Today, he was biting to get a rise out of Tina. And it worked. Boy did it work. She first responded by telling him no, but it escalated from there to giving him time-outs by dragging him to our guest bedroom, trying to ignore him, pushing him away, handing him off to me, and finally getting so irritated that she yelled at the kid and walled herself off in our office.
On a normal day, I probably would have taken Finn for a walk or to a park, just to get him out of his mother’s hair. And I should have done something more. But as the whole vibe in our house grew more toxic, I became less and less effective at dealing with Finn. It just felt like the day was born under an evil sign.
To be fair, though, some parts of the day were not so bad. Finn was pretty cute as he walked around outside and played in the rain puddles; I think he looks especially fetching in bright colors. Also, for the first time in recent memory, we got through our entire dinner without Finn asking for even a single slice of cheese. On this day, at least, my Swedish meatballs were good enough to make him forget about coagulated milk products.
The biting, however, needs to stop. Part of me thinks that it might get better if Tina didn’t really react to it, but it is very, very difficult to remain stoic when a 4-year-old is trying to bite you. She cannot easily ignore him when he starts biting, because they are often alone in the house and he needs fairly constant supervision. I don’t know what we should try next, but I am open to suggestions. The status quo just isn’t working.
I learned something about Finn a few days ago that really surprised me. Finn is learning how to count.
I don’t know why that surprises me. I should have learned by now that Finn’s capabilities far exceed his limitations. But it does surprise me, and that says as much about me as it says about Finn.
I guess that I find it hard to gauge Finn’s progress because he doesn’t speak. In a way, I suspect that I judge people based on what they say and how they say it. Sine Finn’s skills in this area are pretty limited, I don’t always appreciate how much he is progressing, nor do I appreciate that he has to be so much more creative in how he communicates with us. The kid cannot simply tell us, for instance, that he wants to take his scooter to the park. But he can go to the garage, grab the scooter, and try to put it in the trunk of the car.
If you are wondering about the counting, well, it all comes back to cheese. Basically, if given the choice he would seemingly eat cheese, and only cheese, for every meal. Since Tina and I are pretty sure that he should have the occasional fruit, grain, or vegetable, we often bargain with him at the dinner table. We tell him, for instance, that we will give him another cheese stick if he eats a specified number of bites of his other food.
When we started this tactic we counted aloud as he ate his pasta, cereal, fruit, or bagel. But now, even when we don’t count aloud once he has finished the allotted number of bites he makes it readily apparent that he expects the next stick of cheese. We vary the numbers, just to keep him on his toes, but he isn’t easily fooled. Because, let’s face it, this is important stuff for the little guy.
He will not be denied.
While Finn is learning to count, I am learning to enjoy relaxing with my family. Sometimes, the best times with Tina and Finn are the times when we don’t really have much to do. For instance, we spent Saturday morning kicking around in bed (in Finn’s case, literally kicking around), reading books about alligators and ducks, listening to the rain and wind assault our windows, and leisurely thinking about what to do with the day. It was pretty cool, and pretty different for me. Before Finn, I could never have spent that much time in bed without either being asleep or sick. Maybe he just might yet teach me how to be comfortable in my own skin.
It’s yet another gift he has for me.
I have had a crazed couple of weeks, and it really isn’t going to slow down this weekend. After that things should get back to normal, and I will resume my usual schedule.
Until then, though, here is a great picture of the little guy after he managed to climb into a sink. His water fascination really shows no signs of abating.
My Finn fascination also shows no signs of abating. That kid has tackled my heart.
We learned something new about Finn this week. Apparently, he has the ability to catch mice with his bare hands. He was at a farm with his grandparents and they came across a cat playing with a mouse. Somehow, Finn managed to catch the mouse by his tail and proudly presented his find to his Opa and Omi. The mouse was having none of it, however, and quickly bit Finn on the finger.
The bad news, of course, is that Finn got bit.
The good news is that he now has a more healthy skepticism of animals in general.
The next day, he came across a dog. The owner of the dog was somewhat reticent, so Finn was warned to stay away because the dog might bite him. As soon as he heard the word “bite” he froze. All in all, this is actually great, because a small and insignificant mouse bite is probably the most painless way for Finn to learn that animals are not always predictable.
I am still impressed, though, that Finn was able to catch that mouse by its tail. That is something I would admittedly never try, but even if I tried it my chances at success would be virtually nil.
While Finn was pretending to be the host of his own wild animal show, Tina and I were in the bay area. She attended a conference about communication for non-verbal kids, while I cursed and ranted while dealing with crazy work issues in our hotel room.
Fortunately, when we were together we managed to find a little fun. We saw Bill Maher perform in San Jose (you can see the entire show here, at least for the next few weeks). We caught up with some old friends. We had a wonderful dinner in San Francisco (the Salt House, for those of you who might be wondering, where the scallops are really amazing). We walked the Golden Gate bridge. And then we hightailed it back to the San Jose airport in order to fly back to Finn. San Francisco is cool, but not nearly as cool as my boy.